‘Breakfast is ready,’ a deep voice shouts from another room in the house, as I stir awake and wipe the sleep from my eyes.
It takes me a few seconds to remember where I am. I stare up at a ceiling I don’t recognise and the penny finally drops, as my brain kicks into gear – this isn’t my bed.
Trying to gather my composure, I think back to the night before. I’d been to the local pub with my date, John*.
After one too many drinks, he suggested that I accompany him home. His devilish smile was too intoxicating – so I said yes.
John is still fast asleep next to me – the mysterious voice didn’t wake him. And that’s when the panic really sets in: Who the hell has just offered us a morning meal?
At first, I wonder if my date just has really nice housemates or even a butler, but there is really only one logical explanation. And it’s a terrifying one.
‘Hey, wake up,’ I whisper while not-so-gently shaking his shoulder.
Confused, John opens his eyes and smiles, probably thinking that I am trying to pick up where we left off the night before. Admittedly, the sex had been pretty good but at this particular moment, I am not the least bit interested in round two.
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‘Do you live with your parents?,’ I ask – a question that is immediately answered by an awkward cough and sheepish expression.
If you haven’t figured it out yet: The person who asked if we wanted breakfast was his dad.
To make matters worse, John’s bedroom is on the second floor, which means that there is a very big chance that I will run into one or both of his parents when I leave.
The idea of having toast and eggs with his family – who undoubtedly heard us loudly shagging the night before – makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come back out.
I hurriedly threw my clothes on and demanded that John get out of bed and drive me home. There was a nail-biting moment as I walked down the stairs and sprinted for the door (I could hear his parents in the other room) but thankfully, they didn’t see me.
This incident took place a long time ago and it still makes me cringe, but it’s not the only time I’ve had a mortifying run-in with a lover’s parents.
Some of you might be facing a similar situation this year when you go home for Christmas and bring your partner along. Or maybe you’re staying with your other half’s folks, like I am.
It brings up a dilemma: Sex or no sex? Personally, I don’t feel comfortable shagging at a partner’s family’s house.
Perhaps my aversion to this comes from hearing so many horror stories of things going wrong or maybe it’s a cultural thing. My Armenian parents never discussed sex at home when I was growing up and I was always raised to be extremely polite when visiting someone’s home.
But it has happened once or twice, including during a Christmas party at an ex’s parents’ place. There were about 50 guests and we snuck away for a few minutes of fun.
Thankfully, no one spotted us but the risk was very low, as the party was on a different floor. We also kept our clothes on, just in case we were called without warning.
The shoe has also been on the other foot.
Once, while staying over at a then-boyfriend’s house while his parents were visiting, I got out of bed around midnight to pop to the loo.
As I stepped out of the room, I spotted a naked breast in the dark. My boyfriend’s mum was walking down the corridor – completely topless.
I was shocked, partly because she’d always seemed like quite a conservative woman. I dodged her just in time and hid behind a door until the coast was clear.
Horrifyingly, I’ve also once walked in on a set of parents shagging. For their sake, I won’t share any particulars but suffice to say that it was a very uncomfortable moment.
Let these stories serve as a gentle warning.
I’m not saying that you can’t shag while staying at someone else’s house for Christmas but please, take some precautions.
Firstly, I urge you to be respectful, especially if your partner’s parents have different beliefs to your own.
It is very possible that they expect you to sleep in separate beds. Or maybe they’re super relaxed and like to walk around in their underwear.
Either way, talk to your other half beforehand to get the lay of the land and avoid any surprises.
I am spending Christmas with my boyfriend’s family this year and have taken sex off the table completely. He is a little gutted but to me, the holidays have always been about two things: eating lots of food and socialising.
Sex has never really played a big part in my festive season.
I don’t want to take the risk that we might get caught. Or worse, that I accidentally offend my boyfriend’s parents, who I am still getting to know.
That being said, sex is a natural part of life, so the decision is completely yours. But be courteous.
If you have any unfortunate accidents like sperm on the sheets or, god forbid, a throw pillow, clean up after yourself.
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And if there is a lock on the bedroom door: Use it.
Don’t let poor mum or dad walk in there on Christmas Day with a surprise breakfast and catch you playing with each other.
No one needs that memory.
*Name has been changed
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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